Five things that will happen to you during a snowpocalypse:1. You'll get stranded in Connecticut.
2. You'll remember how much you hate shoveling snow. Outside of the threat of gay bullying, it was the thing you liked least about high school.
3. You'll become lousy for baked goods. You'll see that there's an inverse relationship between inches of powder and ability to display will power. You'll dread returning to New York this puffy.
4. You'll fall for Video On Demand. You'll take full advantage of your parents' cable and watch White Material, now showing at the IFC. You'll love Claire Denis' searing, unflinching look at post-colonialism. You've always had a crush on Isabelle Huppert and as the operator of a crumbling coffee plantation, beset with family disloyalty, a corrupt government, and unruly rebel miltias, she brings it. If you had a vote, she'd be your pick for the Oscar.
5. You'll be glad to (finally) return to Williamsburg, only to find yourself in something out of Land of the Lost. More than a day after the snow ended, your street will not be plowed and you'll see an abandoned bus stuck at the intersection of Driggs and N. 7. The look will be post-apocalyptic arctic chic. You get hipster apathy, but with half the guys in the nabe looking like burly woodsmen, you'll wonder why so few of them lack shoveling skills.
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